BASIC is to computer programming as "qwerty" is to typing.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
It is later than you think.
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
Your fault -- core dumped.
You still need the last file you removed.
How to program in "C"
---------------------
1] Use lots of global variables.
2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
3] Put everything in one large .h file.
4] Implement the entire project at once.
5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't quite understand.
Programming is 10% science, 25% ingenuity and 65% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
"Hardware: A product that if you play with it long enough, breaks."
"Software: A product that if you play with it long enough, it works."
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
FORTRAN is not a language. It's a way of turning a multi-million dollar mainframe into a $50 programmable scientific calculator.
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
You might have mail.
Computer interfaces and user interfaces are as different as night and 1.
The fortune '$ rm -r $HOME' could be extremely unsettling!!
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten per cent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
And on the seventh day, God wrote documentation. (Docs stored in the Ark of the Covenant.)
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
Road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
Nice computers don't go down.
Trying to establish voice contact--please yell into keyboard.
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
I think I've got the hang of it now .... :w :q :wq :wq! ^d X exit X Q :quitbye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout save/quit :!QUIT ^[zz ^[ZZZZZZ ^H ^@ ^L ^[c ^# ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help helpquit ^D ^d ^C ^c help exit ?Quit ?q
Never trust a computer you can't lift.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
There is always one more bug.
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
PROGRAMMER--Red eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate monsters.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
You are an insult to my intelligence! I demand that you log off immediately.
Disc space -- the final frontier!
Congratulations! You have now used up another 250 hours of CPU time.
Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
"If you were plowing a field, what would you rather use? 2 strong oxen or 1024 chickens?"
-Seymour Cray
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
PASCAL is not a language. It was an experiment combining the flexibilty of C with that of a drug-crazed penguin. It is also the 'language' of choice of many CS professors who aren't up to handling REAL programming. Hence, it is not a language.
C is almost a real language. (see assembler) Even the name sounds like it's gone through an optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid brackets and we'll talk. (see LISP)
Person 1: How ya gonna do it?
Person 2: I'm Gonna PS/2 it!!!
Person 1: But that's only half a computer!
Person 2: That's ok! OS/2 is only half an operating system!
This program posts news to thousands of machines throughout the entire civilized world. Your message will cost the net hundreds if not thousands of dollars to send everywhere. Please be sure you know what you are doing.
This program posts news to billions of machines throughout the galaxy. Your message will cost the net enough to bankrupt your entire planet. As a result your species will be sold into slavery. Be sure you know what you are doing. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? [yn] y
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
"Note to DOS users: UNIX is a lot more FUN" - Peter Norton
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
The best way to accelerate an IBM is at 9.8 m/s/s.
DEBUGGING--Removing the needles from the haystack.
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
How to debug a "C" program.
---------------------------
1] If at all possible, don't. Let someone else do it.
2] Change majors.
3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.
4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
5] Dial 911 and scream.
6] There is rumour that "printf" is useful, but this is probably unfounded.
7] Port everything to CP/M.
8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler. This won't fix the bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you look bad.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
ASSEMBLER is a language. Any language that can take a half-dozen keystrokes and compile it down to one byte of code is all right in my books. Though for the REAL programmer, assembler is a waste of time. Why use a compiler when you can code directly into memory through a front panel.
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
Every woman's a 10. It just depends upon which base you're counting in.
Real Programmers use C since it's the easiest language to spell.
Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.
Real Programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars don't turn from 99999 to A0000.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
BASIC is not a language. It's a plot to sucker poor unsuspecting consumers into believing that they should buy a computer because ANYONE can learn how to program.
You have junk mail.
Real Programmers don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.
"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
LOGO is not a language. It's a way to simulate 'skid marks' made by turtles with serious bowel control problems.
If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
recursion (re - cur' - zhun) n. 1. (see recursion)
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
You are connected t&%&ibp*l an error free line.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
MS-DOS:
Maybe SomeDay an Operating System
MACINTOSH:
Machine Always Crashes - If Not The Operating System Hangs
IBM:
It's Better Manually
A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"
The Programmer Song
Of course I never wanted to be a Lumberjack; I wanted to be a
* * * P R O G R A M M E R * * *
...Writing line after line as they compile within the mighty CPU of the
CRAY-1; the giant CDC 7600, the 370, the mighty 68040...with my pocket
protector in my side pocket...we'd sing...sing...sing....
Oh, I'm a programmer and I'm O.K.
I work all night and I sleep all day
(chorus) He's a programmer and he's O.K.
He works all night and he sleeps all day
I type in code, I read my dumps, I take them to the lavatory,
On Wednesdays I finish debugging and write thirteen lines of C
(chorus) He types in code, he prints his dumps, he takes them to the
lavatory,
On Wednesdays he finishes debugging and writes thirteen lines
of C
He's a programmer and he's O.K.
He works all night and he sleeps all day
I type in code, I branch and jump, I press the reset button
I write modules in COBOL that don't do nothin'
(chorus) He types in code, he branches and jumps, he presses the
reset button
He writes modules in COBOL that don't do nothin'!?! Yeecch!
He's a programmer and he's O.K.
He works all night and he sleeps all day
I type in code, I spill tape reels, punchcards, and cola
I wish I'd been an ME, just like my dear mama!
(chorus) He types in code, he spills tape reels, punchcards,
and...COLA!?!
(chorus) He's a programmer and he's O.K.
He works all night and he sleeps all day....
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The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1990 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided that this notice remains intact.
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