Windows VD

from (http://www.adequacy.org/stories/2002.1.28.213530.133.html):

Microsoft Previews WindowsVD

Redmond -- Hot on the heels of the launch of WindowsXP, Microsoft has just unveiled its plans for the next generation of Windows: Microsoft WindowsVD. "WindowsVD represents a strategic leveraging of our synergistic win-win paradigms" announced a cheery spokes-woman, "it will truly enable web platform peer to peer productizing of eyeballs using XML." The assembled press stood silent for several minutes while attempting to translate her words into English until Microsoft's Group Vice President for Platforms, Jim Allchin, intervened.

"Microsoft WindowsVD will be the most successful version of Windows ever!" exclaimed Allchin. "WindowsVD represents the culmination of our .NET initiative, it will be the first version of Microsoft Windows distributed entirely over the internet. With WindowsVD we have finally begun to leverage our two greatest assets: clueless users and email virii! The world is about to learn the true meaning of the term 'viral marketing.'" The rest of Allchin's speech was drowned out by wild cheering from the assembled crowd of Microsoft Employees, but the available brochures give a fairly clear picture.

Microsoft WindowsVD aims to achieve a 100% upgrade rate in its first month by installing itself though .vbs worms that exploit holes in Outlook and Outlook express. IDG analyst Dr. Rajeev Papshigali was very impressed with the strategy: "The folks at Microsoft really have out done themselves this time. Not only will WindowsVD automatically install itself and then deduct the purchase price from your bank account, but it also exploits a previously undocumented feature of the Pentium4 that destroys your CPU if you try to remove it. Anyone who doesn't run out and buy Microsoft stock right now is a fool."

Predictably, Microsoft's announcement was met with a storm of protest from security professionals and Linux developers. "They won't get away with this!" vowed Alan Cox, "We'll reverse engineer every line of code if we have to and we'll find a way to remove this from P4 boxen. In the meantime I'm recommending that everyone buy an Athlon."

Microsoft CTO Craig Mundie responded by calling Alan Cox a "Commie traitor" and vowing to have the FBI arrest him. When informed that Cox is British, he responded "then we'll use Scotland Yard and MI5. We've got 40 billion in cash for Christ's sake, it doesn't matter if he's in Patagonia." Mundi then laughed maniacally for several minutes while stroking a white Persian cat.

At the risk of sounding like a luddite, this reporter is going to avoid clicking any email attachments accompanied by the text "I send you this operating system to have your advice."